Practical Psychology is a weekly newspaper column I have been writing for over 20 years. It is designed to address psychological topics that are most useful to its readers. Please feel free to re-print any of them in any form you wish. I ask only that you give the information about how to subscribe and credit for authorship. Thanks.

WINNING ARGUMENTS
By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

How do you win your point in any argument? Do you debate the facts? Do you use logic and reason? Do you clearly explain your position? Do you make the other person's position wrong? Do you assassinate the character of your arguing partner?

Seventy years ago, Dale Carnegie wrote in his famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, "I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument---and that is to avoid it...as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes."

More often than not, an argument ends with each participant more rigidly convinced that s/he was absolutely right. Would you rather be right or liked? Would you rather be factually correct and resented or win another's good will? Would you rather be right all the time or loved all the time?

Carnegie goes on to say, "You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine [victorious]. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And---

A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still."

How often do you argue with your spouse? How often do you try to prove him or her wrong? How often do you become angry, even furious, when someone else "proves you wrong?" Someone once wrote:

"Here lies the body of William Jay,
Who died maintaining his right of way---
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he's just as dead as if he were wrong."

Most arguments are energized by powerful emotions. The emotional reality is that you may be "dead right" in your argument, but you do not have the power to change anyone else's mind. Attempting to change another person's mind through emotional argument is impossible. Your effort is as futile as if your argument was wrong!

Gautama Buddha once said, "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love." Any conflict or misunderstanding is never resolved by argument. Argumentative conflicts are only resolved by tact, diplomacy, open mindedness, a willingness to reconcile differences, and as Carnegie wrote, "...a sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint."

Abraham Lincoln wrote, "Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite." When you "lose" an argument, you hurt like you've been bitten. When you "win" an argument, you abrade the relationship at best and hurt the other at worst. But you will never win another over to your side of an argument by hurting him. He and he alone, has the power to change his mind. You don't. I ask again, "Would you rather be right or loved?" It is very unlikely you can be both.

In my next column, I will offer some tips on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument...and an argument from becoming a conflict...even a violent conflict. Those tips will include suggestions such as: inviting disagreement; actively listen first; look for areas of agreement; identify the other's wants and needs; seek first to understand the other...and more!

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Psychology." Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

Dr. Thomas also serves on the faculty of the Institute For Life Coach Training and the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: *Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice*and Your Life!* (W.W. Norton 2005) available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

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