Practical Psychology is a weekly newspaper column I have been writing for over 20 years. It is designed to address psychological topics that are most useful to its readers. Please feel free to re-print any of them in any form you wish. I ask only that you give the information about how to subscribe and credit for authorship. Thanks.

THE VALUE OF FEELINGS
By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

The wife complains of her husband, "He never shares his feelings." She finds their marriage "empty and cold." Her husband tells me he "just doesn't understand what she wants." He also tells me that as an engineer and "manager," he was told not only to suppress his feelings, but to make sure they didn't "get in the way of his work." For him, feelings were useless at best, and a hindrance to job performance at worst. Therefore, he learned to suppress them and neglected to learn how to express them even to his wife.

This man is not alone! Millions of people find it enormously difficult to allow their own feelings to occur, let alone to express them in ways that enrich their relationships. They have grown up with many misconceptions about human emotions...what they are like and what life-purpose they serve.

People have difficulty knowing and expressing their feelings for a variety of reasons: they grew up in families where their parents were overly critical of emotional expression; parents held unrealistically high expectations of their children; they never identified the words to describe their own emotional experiences; they rarely set an example of sharing their own feelings with the children; or the children rarely observed their parents expressing emotions to others. Sometimes emotional expression is not tolerated, or is ridiculed, or even punished by parents.

Children, when growing up in that kind of situation, do not feel free to express their own natural impulses and feelings. Parental approval is so essential to all children that they will always suppress their naturally-occurring emotions, especially if they are in conflict with perceived parental expectations. As adults, many of us continue to make that very same choice. We don't even allow ourselves to feel our emotions, let alone comfortably express them.

Another reason for emotional suppression is the perceived strong need for emotional control coupled with a fear of losing control of our emotions. If we fear "losing control" or "feeling like a baby," we will practice "keeping our emotions inside," hidden even from our own awareness. If we develop the habit of emotional suppression, we lose the many psychological benefits of emotional expression. We also remain unaware of many of our own needs.

In an attempt to clear up some of the childhood misconceptions about feelings, I offer you the following information.

Feelings are normal bodily reactions mediated both by a part of your brain (the limbic system), and the involuntary, autonomic nervous system in your body. Feelings are total bodily reactions.

Feelings do not "attack you" from outside. They are caused and influenced by your thoughts and perceptions. They arise in response to the way you perceive or interpret external events. Many emotional responses are to your own inner thoughts such as self--talk, imagery and memories. Any particular type of emotion you happen to experience will depend on your view of external events and what you tell yourself about (give meaning to) them.

Feelings can be simple, like fear, anger, hunger, sex, sadness, excitement, or complex, for example, disappointment, frustration, melancholy, lonely or embarrassment. Feelings occur in combination or singularly.

Feelings are what give you energy. When you are aware of your feelings and can express them, you will feel more energetic. If you suppress them, you may feel lethargic, numb, tired, or depressed.

Feelings are never "right" or "wrong." They merely are! Fear, joy, guilt, or anger are not valid or invalid in and of themselves. They just happen. The judgments or perceptions you have about your feelings may be accurate or inaccurate...right or wrong.

Feelings are our bodies signaling us that we need something we are not getting at the moment. They are the "stuff" of which close, intimate relationships are made. They are the nourishment of the psyche, mind and heart. They enrich and add passion to our experience of being alive. Suppress them and you miss out. Identify and express them and you become a lot happier and more fulfilled.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Psychology." Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

Dr. Thomas also serves on the faculty of the Institute For Life Coach Training and the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: *Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice*and Your Life!* (W.W. Norton 2005) available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

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