Practical Psychology is a weekly newspaper column I have been writing for over 20 years. It is designed to address psychological topics that are most useful to its readers. Please feel free to re-print any of them in any form you wish. I ask only that you give the information about how to subscribe and credit for authorship. Thanks.

SAYING "GOOD BYE"
By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

According to William Shakespeare, "parting is such sweet sorrow." I think parting and saying "good bye" may be "sweet" only when we believe we will meet each other again, and we are confident we'll feel the same way we do now. Otherwise, parting may be sour, frightening, joyful, relieving, sad, or down right depressing.

Maybe William meant saying "good-bye" was sweet sorrow only for lovers. Certainly, parting from lovers or anyone who has been significant in our lives, always seems paradoxical. On one hand, parting may meet the need to have a "brief intermission" from one another. If our contact is oppressive or "suffocating," then saying "good-bye" may feel great. On the other hand, we are social beings and need relationships to be fully ourselves. Thus, almost everybody feels uneasy or anxious about separating...about saying "good-bye." This uneasiness often results in clumsy rituals (e.g. the brief handshake and saying "see ya' soon" with false cheeriness); unrealistic assurances (e.g. "I'm sure we will see each other again" knowing full well it's not likely to happen, and not making specific plans to do it anyway); or even destructive guilt-provoking reactions (e.g. "what am I going to do without you anyway?!").

Our cultural tradition of the handshake, the brief hug, and the polite lie about seeing each other again, often hides our fearful discomfort. When our separation anxiety is not expressed directly, all kinds of "symptoms" may result. Examples include: Forgetting the car keys; leaving your jacket behind; getting lost on the way to the airport and missing your plane; becoming extremely irritated at each other and complaining about the most trivial matters with deep emotional pain; feeling stunned at the emergence of homicidal or suicidal wishes for the car or plane to crash; fantasies of rejection to justify our preference for others while the partner is away; and making elaborate unrealistic plans for reunion. Probably the most common symptom of parting without handling our fears is the development of extreme fatigue. All of these (and more) characterize how we hide our genuine discomfort about parting ...about saying "good-bye."

Here are some suggestions that might help relieve some of the discomfort and fear about saying good-bye:

---1. Recognize that every relationship changes, grows and is never the same as the day before.
---2. Ask yourself if you would refuse to go on an all-expense paid, four-week vacation because you knew you would have to return from it in a month, saying good-bye to that place forever.
---3. Engineer any agreement made with one another as if it were your last.
---4. Make the present so rich, you have the finest memories when apart.
---5. Directly share your fears about separation without expecting a response (e.g. "I know we are parting and I'm beginning to worry about whether or not you'll keep liking me"). Such statements are for being clear and are best expressed with no expectation of a response.
---6. Get your caring now. Don't wait until just before parting.
---7. Express to each other what you have learned, or have received, or will take with you, from the contact you've had today.
---8. Avoid making promises you won't keep. Nobody knows the future.
---9. Let your feelings flow out when the separation is accomplished.
---10. Be ready to reinvest in other relationships.
---11. Say "good-bye" clearly, directly and loudly.
---12. Distinguish between saying good-bye and personal rejection.
---13. Always behave in such a manner that you will have no regrets, if you never again see the person to whom you are saying good-bye.

As we continue to live and to relate to one another, saying good-bye is a regular and common experience. It may be bitter or sweet or both. Surely, we must learn to be separate human beings and yet connected, so that saying "good-bye" effectively allows us as well to say "hello" in a sincere and meaningful way.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Psychology." Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

Dr. Thomas also serves on the faculty of the Institute For Life Coach Training and the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: *Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice*and Your Life!* (W.W. Norton 2005) available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

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