Practical Psychology is a weekly newspaper column I have been writing for over 20 years. It is designed to address psychological topics that are most useful to its readers. Please feel free to re-print any of them in any form you wish. I ask only that you give the information about how to subscribe and credit for authorship. Thanks.

ANGER IN DISGUISE
By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.


There is not a person alive who has never felt anger. Anger is a naturally occurring, physiological change in our bodies, designed to powerfully energize us. We become angry when we are needy, frustrated or hurt. The psychologically healthy use of anger is to energetically move us to address our needs, overcome whatever is frustrating us, or protect us from further hurt.

Anger itself is never "wrong" or "bad." It is merely a bodily change. No emotion is correct or incorrect. Emotions just are! We don't label feeling hot or cold as "bad." There is no valid reason for labeling any feeling as "wrong." The healthy trick is to learn what is "good" to do with our angry energy, or what behaviors are appropriate for expressing our anger.

When we are children, the expression of our anger is very unskilled. The temper tantrum is often the behavior of choice. If temper tantrums are punished, children believe the feeling of anger itself is bad. If we grow up believing our anger is bad, we usually learn how to disguise it. Disguising our anger is an attempt to hide our emotion from the critical view of others. Hiding our anger, or any emotion, rarely works to our benefit.

Some common disguises for anger include:

The "silent treatment." When people stop speaking, they are usually afraid of showing their anger, afraid it will become more intense, or they are trying to punish another for some perceived slight or hurt.

Complaining. We often disguise our feelings of anger by whining or complaining. Instead or stating what we are angry about, we complain about it.

Being "nice" all the time. Angry niceness is used to disguise collected resentment or rage. Being nice is the favorite disguise for those who are afraid to create a disturbance, who want "peace at any price", who often develop some stress-related illness due to internal tension created by holding their anger inside.

Sarcasm is commonly used to disguise anger. Sarcasm always sends a double-meaning message. What one says is contradicted by the manner in which it is said. "Yeah, sure you will" spoken with derision is an recognizable example of sarcasm.

Blaming, accusing or attacking the character of another are all indirect ways of disguising anger. They are pretty thin disguises. Anyone who blames, verbally insults, or accuses another, can usually be recognized as angry.

Passive resistance is another less recognizable form of anger expression. One of the best examples of passive resistance I know, is a young boy, feeling angry at an over-controlling coach, simply standing at the plate and not moving when the baseball is pitched.

Self-defeating or destructive behavior exemplifies unhealthy disguises for directly dealing with anger. The person who tenses muscles until he/she is in constant pain. The person who throws things, smashes objects, slams doors, or hurts him/herself. The persons who internalize anger until they become depressed. Each of these people are attempting to deal with their anger in indirect ways, usually out of fear that direct expression of anger will result in some form of punishment...just like when they were children.

People who disguise their anger, pay a very heavy price. They destroy relationships, become confused and violent, become physically sick, even homicidal or suicidal, depending on the direction the anger is expressed.

Most of us have never learned healthy methods of anger expression. As children, we may have never been taught how to express anger in healthy ways. By their own example, parents often show their children unhealthy methods for using anger. Ignorance of what to do instead of "bottling it all up" also plays a role.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Psychology." Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

Dr. Thomas also serves on the faculty of the Institute For Life Coach Training and the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: *Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice*and Your Life!* (W.W. Norton 2005) available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

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