Practical Psychology is a weekly newspaper column I have been writing for over 20 years. It is designed to address psychological topics that are most useful to its readers. Please feel free to re-print any of them in any form you wish. I ask only that you give the information about how to subscribe and credit for authorship. Thanks.

DELUSIONS OF CONTROL
By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

Do you believe you are in control of what happens to you...what happens around you? If not, do you believe you have to be in control? Do you feel responsible for the way others feel and behave? All these beliefs are delusions!

Do you believe you are helpless and externally controlled by events outside your skin? Are you controlled by the choices and actions of others? Are you a victim of circumstance? All these beliefs are also delusions!

What's the contradiction? Either we are in control or we're not...right? Wrong! Both of these notions are distortions of our sense of power and control. They are both delusions.

The first fallacy is about being in charge of (therefore in control of) events and other people. This is the delusion of omnipotent control. When you are functioning under this delusion, you feel responsible for everything and everybody. You carry the weight of the world, and everybody in it, on your shoulders. You are responsible for your friends' and relatives' happiness. They are depending on you for that. If you happen to do anything they don't like, or neglect them in any way, you feel guilty and they feel rejected, lost or frightened. Managers, supervisors and CEO's are especially prone to this kind of delusion relevant to their "underlings." After all, when you are delusional about what you control, you must have all the correct answers, know others' every need, and redress every hurt.

Delusions of omnipotent control depend on three elements: a keen sensitivity to the needs of those around you; an exaggerated belief in your indispensable ability to fill those needs; and an expectation that you, and not they are responsible for filling those needs.

The opposite delusion is when you believe you are controlled by others. Feeling externally controlled keeps you stuck in a big world where you are a victim. You believe someone other than you is responsible for your condition, pain, loss, or failure. They "did it to you!" You find it difficult, if not impossible to seek out solutions to your difficulties and problems, because "they wouldn't work anyway." You simply can't understand how you end up in such messes anyway.

The delusion of being victimized or controlled by others depends on four elements: a lack of self-awareness and self-consideration; poor decision-making skills; a belief that you aren't very important; and a negative self-image. Whether we know it or not, we are always making decisions and each decision affects our lives. For example: you may not see how a decision to walk home late Friday night determined you would be struck by a drunken driver. But if you had decided to stay home in the first place, you wouldn't have been a hospitalized victim.

The delusion of internal control has you feeling responsible for the pain or happiness of everyone around you. The delusion of external control has you feeling helpless, a victim of fate.

The key to free yourself from the delusion of internal control is to recognize that each person is responsible for himself. Each of us is making our own choices and decisions (consciously or not) which steer our own lives. If someone is in pain, it is he or she who as the ultimate responsibility to overcome or accept it. You can not become a slave to the conviction that you have to help everybody. Remember, part of respecting others includes letting them live their own lives, make their own mistakes, suffer or rejoice in the consequences of their decisions and solve their own problems, without your intervention or interference.

The antidote to the delusion of external control is to acknowledge that you too, are responsible for how you respond to all events...both internal and external. You have the choice of how you want to respond to you, others and the world around you. Aside from natural disasters, you always make choices about how you respond to whatever happens. People usually get what they hold as top priority in their lives. Ask yourself, "What choices have I made that resulted in this incident or situation?" Keep in mind that your choices may not actually cause things to happen, but they do determine how you will perceive and respond to what happens. Ask, "What choices can I make now to change what happens from this point forward?"

"Each on of us is responsible for our choices and their consequences" and "I make my own decisions" are the phrases reflecting the truth about our delusions of control.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Psychology." Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

Dr. Thomas also serves on the faculty of the Institute For Life Coach Training and the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: *Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice*and Your Life!* (W.W. Norton 2005) available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

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