Practical Psychology is a weekly newspaper column I have been writing for over 20 years. It is designed to address psychological topics that are most useful to its readers. Please feel free to re-print any of them in any form you wish. I ask only that you give the information about how to subscribe and credit for authorship. Thanks.

CHANGING OURSELVES
By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

When you want to have something you don't have now... when you want to create something new in your life... you need to know some of the principles of effecting change. Many people find it extremely difficult to change themselves. Even when they want to change, they find it almost impossible.

After you have a clear picture of the outcome you want to have, the next question you need to answer is: "What do I have to change about me in order to effectively create the outcome I desire? My thinking? My habits? My ways of relating to others?"

One of the reasons for the difficulty we experience in changing something about ourselves is learned helplessness. When we were very young, we were indeed, helpless and dependent. We may have maintained that belief and the resulting habits longer than when it was accurate. Most of us have a lot more power and influence over ourselves than we may believe. However, we may be so familiar with "being helpless," we may not realize what that power is.

Feeling helpless often expresses itself in disguises: We may avoid taking responsibility for change, because we feel helpless; we may blame something or someone else for the "problem" we feel helpless to change; we may avoid confronting the issue in order to avoid the fear facing our helplessness; we may try to change and feel frustrated (helpless) to reach our desired goal, and simply give up.

Another reason changing ourselves is difficult is our ignorance. We may be ignorant of the alternative behaviors that are available to replace the ones we wish to change. Before we can successfully stop something we are used to doing, we must become aware of, and develop alternatives to, the old habits we want to change. Once we become aware of alternatives, we can devote our time and attention to strengthening them, and practicing new habits until they become a part of our unconscious. Then, the old ones simply drop out of our behavioral repertoire from lack of use.

Changing our attitude toward our own power, our own responsibility, our own abilities, and our own available alternatives is the prerequisite which helps us change easily, smoothly and permanently. We need to know that we can: re-program our unconscious minds; exercise our personal power over how we respond to others, ourselves, the situation; and modify the nature of our relationships by contributing to them differently. In short, we need to know that we can respond to life differently than we've responded in the past. We need to learn about and reinforce our own abilities and skills and not spend much time focusing on our weaknesses. We need information about available alternatives. There is always more than one way to make a change. Then we need to practice the change regularly to make that change an unconscious habit.

Here is a poem which expresses so simply the process of change and what is required for you to guide changes in yourself. It was written by Portia Nelson, and titled, Autobiography In Five Short Chapters.

Chapter 1
I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in...it's a habit. My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Psychology." Initial coaching sessions are free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

Dr. Thomas also serves on the faculty of the Institute For Life Coach Training and the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: *Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice*and Your Life!* (W.W. Norton 2005) available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

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